The Victim (2006)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We thoroughly enjoyed this movie. In fact it's one of the most scariest Thai horror movies we can ever recommend. This is one of those movies where the end credits are even more interesting than the entire movie, not to say that the movie is shite, it is, as we mentioned, one of the best. The movie starts off with May, a happy-go-lucky, struggling, acting student, trying to make ends meet by appearing as extras in game shows, movies and such. Not long she got noticed by the local detective who pays her to reenact murder scenes committed by real life murders. All is good as  she finally gains recognition as the victim of the murder scenes.

But her big break came when she was proposed to reenact a murder scene of a former Miss Thailand. As expected, she started seeing visions and apparitions connected to the murder. Now, the movie throws a curve ball and the whole story line turns 360 degrees. There are 2 major twist in the movie. We will not risk revealing much, but most viewers will feel turned off by the sudden change in direction of the movie. But nevertheless, we feel that the twist will not affect the scares and the tense atmosphere of the movie too much.

Why we agreed that this movie is one of the best Thai horror because of the clever use of silence and atmospheric tension. The worse is when they started introducing traditional Thai chimes and jingles used in traditional thai dances during some of the more intense scenes. It really adds to the whole feel of an extremely well-thought horror movie. One of the scenes that really send chills down our spine, (and we are 2 really hardcore horror fans who don't jump easily) is the editing room scene and the incoming dancing apparition. Well, we can reveal this to you and you will still feel it when watching it, yes, we are that confident the movie is scary. We were freaking the hell out when the chimes started resonating in the entire cinema. It really feels as though the sound is coming beside you.

Viewers best stayed on till the end of the credits, where the actual movie production team manages to capture footages of apparitions in various locations of the shoot. Fake or not, we couldn't tell, but we rather not discuss about it as not to spoil the illusion. As mentioned earlier, the best part of the movie is the credits. Let it roll with the speakers on loud. We guaran-damn-tee you will be freaked out. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The 93 minutes remake of the 1988 Halloween feature has the perfect solution for your boring Saturday night with the missus... Horror, comedy and an overweight Edward Furlong, dropping F-bombs like the Al Qaeda. Shannon Elizabeth is super duper fine and not forgetting the scene of the luckiest wine bottle in the world. Also that forgettable chick from the Freddy Vs Jason, Monica Keena. So, the cast members are a lot of fun to watch and the plot is as follows; it's Halloween night, and a Haunted House Goth party hosted by Ms Angela (Shannon) rage on till the cops coming knocking. Angela and a couple of her guests hide in to avoid the raid but the cops ain’t the only problem, because the party is at a house full of demons who want to be set free. There are side plots but who gives a fuck.

We’ve got to say the wicked make up effect sure brought new meaning to the word ‘Ugly’. And about the demons, origin story-wise, We found it awesome. Demons so cruel and evil that Hell itself cast them out. Taking time to think about it, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a wasted opportunity. The demons possess human bodies, thus should have the ability of speech, so it would have been fucking fantastic to delve a little bit into the psychology of these beasts, get their point-of-view on the world or Lucifer, even. It also would have been nice to have a scene where a demon tortures one of the survivors, to get a sense of how cruel and evil incarnate they really are. As it is, they just possess the guests and try to fuck. Nevertheless, the soundtrack rocked ass and surprisingly; No Rob Zombie number. 

Finally, if you have been looking for a jolly good time, pick this up and don’t be a fucking critic; let us do that. Fuck.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge 3 (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

It’s not very easy to follow up on a remake with two sequels but the Grudge 3 might be the exception. It looks easy enough, just follow the curse where ever it goes and be sure to have a lot of creepy music and let Kayako and Toshio do their job. This hopeful sequel went straight to DVD and this very forgettable flick was given to Toby Wilkins’s good hands while franchise creator; Takashi Shimizu stood at the side lines as executive producer. 

The sequel picks up after the curse migrates to America when the foreign exchange student chick got whacked by Kayako in her apartment and her nosy neighbor, Jake (Matthew Knight) watched her disappear in her jacket. Now, Jake is institutionalized under the care of Jigsaw’s former apprentice, Shawnee Smith as Dr. Sullivan and curse is inflicted in the apartment with everyone walking in taking home a surprise visit by Kayako and Toshio. 

The characters are defined with a good sense that we the audience would hate to see them bite the dust. Take the siblings Andy, Lisa and Rose; orphans with the last chance together with little Rose having asthma and her slutty elder sister trying to run off, it’s up to Bother dearly to keep it all together. That already sets up a tear jerking drama, now mix that with the evil Kayako and Toshio in the block and there you have it. Something else got us stirred up, do ghosts get older? Toshio was like 8 in last movie and now he’s 13 and wears shorts. Does he need a haircut too? This movie should rest peacefully in the big box of one hit wonders until we need to refresh our memories.

So till our next words, light one for us. Download here

2 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Devil’s Rock (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Back in WWII, Hitler’s efforts to create the super soldier with the influences of the occult are infamous but details about those experiments are not actually captured, so says the Germans. It didn’t stop from movie makers to get creative over this premise and they did give us Hellboy and The Outpost. The latest creative input comes from New Zealand. The Devil’s Rock directed by Paul Campion is our focus of the day.

The day before D-Day, A squadron of allied soldiers is dropped off on a remote island to check out what the Nazis are up to. Upon infiltrating the base, they find all of them dead except for Colonel Klaus Meyer (Matthew Sunderland) whom captures allied Captain Ben Grogan (Craig Hall) and keeps him unconscious. Captain Ben wakes up hours later, now with his squadron dead and Colonel Klaus asking him to trust him to kill what the Nazi’s sinister plan conjured up; A Demon from hell.

The tense situation played by both the lead actors defiantly sets the mood of the flick, the sense of trust be lingers them but things gets juicy once we’re introduced to the wild card player; The Demon (Gina Varela), sexy and manipulative, she tries to seduce the good Captain by shape shifting to the image of his beloved dead wife. Thumbs up for elastic demonic suits with nipples. A little psychological battle between all three characters defiantly put us in our seat and the ending was something unpredictable in the case of a normal heroic morale stand but sure is effective. It has been a while since something good as this has come out in a horror movie that doesn’t depend on the gore factor but keeps the story more locked in to give horror addicts glued for what’s coming up next. We have to say that by far, The Devil’s Rock might be one of the best horror movies out of the USA this summer. Good for you New Zealanders.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

THE TASK (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

After Dark films used to collect horror movies sprouting from everywhere to assemble the ‘8 Films To Die For’ annual line up. This years is different, After Dark films decided to make their own horror flicks to create their own brand of horror to outwit the industry, but sometimes, just because you are a good sales person doesn’t make you a good CEO. One of the 2011’s lineups is The Task directed by Alex Orwell.

A Haunted Prison with a violent history plays host for a horror game show with six unlucky contestants handcuffed and left in the prison to complete a series of tasks to win USD20,000 each. Hidden cameras are set to record all angles and a crew led by Producer Connie (Alexandra Standen) set up base camp outside the prison and the Task Master (only appearing in a Computer Screen), a creepy clown (Jonas Talkinton) controls the game which pits contestants in various shitty stuff to do. But, the vicious ghost of the late warden has other plans for the contestants making a run for their money.

The non lovable six contestants stand out on their own making them hard to pick a favorite and the story comes a little stuffy in moments because a lot of things happen and before you can compute the situation, the plot pushes further. This might be positive for some viewers but the suspense and surprise doesn’t have the impact it needs for horror fans. This flick might remind you of a lot of other movies but it does try to stay original in the plot, hence being stuffy. The kidnap, the masks and introduction promised an awesome time but you might feel like ‘a hot date gone wrong’ later. We tried to like this horror flick, we really tried.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

INSIDIOUS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The most profitable movie of 2010, Directed by James Wan and written by Leigh Whannel; the guys who started the ‘SAW’ franchise, produced by Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli and the return of Darth Maul with a mean haircut. This makes us wonder, why didn’t we review INSIDIOUS in the first place. The reason is quite simple; we couldn’t find the right words.

The new age horror makers plotted out the upmost importance in making a haunted house movie, deception. ‘It’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s your son’. That may be the instant classic line in any genre of movies to join the likes of ‘Luke, I am your father’, ‘Dude, where my car’ and ‘I had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane’. Simple family dealing with the paranormal with the help of a Psychic granny, her team and the mother-in-law but there’s more to what meets the eyes. If you haven’t seen this one, by all means dispose of yourself.

The characters are built up nicely with Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne heading the cast with Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannel as Specs. You might actually start feeling sad for them when all hell breaks loose and after all, sympathy is the best feeling if you’re driving your audience to the feel bad ending you want. Excellent choreography, color tones and ambience makes things a whole lot creepier than they look, thanks to James Wan’s eye for the dark side of things but the ‘icing on the cake’ would be the Jump Scares. Not the freshest ideas but definitely would get the most seasoned horror addict a hair raise or two. James Wan might be the next Hitchcock if he can pull more horror tales like this. Watch it now before your son/brother/neighbor/life partner gets haunted.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4.5 out of 5 ciggies

The Deserted House AKA The Haunted House Project (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man

Found Footage genre, how far have you come. If you are a rabid follower of our reviews, you’d know that we pray the gods for more of these movies and we may start recording ourselves if the world runs out of it. We go now to the beautiful country of Korea and pay homage for the flick known as ‘The Deserted House’ aka ‘The Haunted House Project’.

The plot is very simple and simplicity at its best. A family perished in their home/factory mysteriously with a twist of daddy having an affair with his secretary, she’s missing, ten years earlier. A team of Supernatural investigators with their Network Producer and crew of two get in to the now abandoned property to get proof of the afterlife. Their footage is found with all of them dead. Familiar tone of the genre? So let’s break it down to see what makes this flick different.

The terrible acting from all the cast members makes it somewhat amateur like but somehow it makes the story much more realistic. The investigators during their initial interviews claim to have shit lots of experience but freaks out at every single time something happens. There are moments where the scare factor gets high but the lack of execution on time makes the experience kind of predictable. I must give credit to the location, its crypt like darkness, the field of clustered crap and dust everywhere makes it the best haunted location ever in any horror flicks seen today. A slow start in the beginning may bring you down but worry not, it does pick eventually with a lot of tension and running around in the dark. Overall, we wouldn’t mind passing the DVD to my fellow smokers but try not to have high expectations.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

2.5 CIGGIES OUT OF 5

George A. Romero Presents Deadtime Stories Volume 1 (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We all know who George A. Romero is; the brand, the Legend, the ‘Sensei of the Dead’ if you will, has showered us horror nerds with more zombie flicks than any other men on earth. With much respect for the man, I review ‘Deadtime Stories Volume One’ with tears in my eye and trying to find the right words not to offend the man. (I don’t want Zombies on my ass.) Georgie has come up with the awesome idea of a horror anthology with his buddies but falls short on budget, which is clearly obvious. So let’s break’em down and put these stories in prospective.

Deadtime Story

Valley of the Shadow

Directed By Jeff Monahan

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A complicated chick flick where a Lara Croft wannabe chick gets paid big bucks to lead an expedition to some jungle to find something and gets hunted by weird jungle people. There seems to be a lot of running and god knows loads of bad decisions from this chick that leads to their demise. In the midst of this chaos, we are introduced to some exotic fruit that look a lot like some giraffe’s balls that oozes blue. The acting is distasteful and casting a white dude as jungle native man is so not cool. It’s best to skip this whole tale.

Deadtime Story

Wet

Directed By Michael Fischa

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After revitalizing my hopes, (as any horror anthologist would) ‘Wet’ brought something new to the table. A twist in the Mermaid fable that made them more like Sirens, maybe that was the intention and it might have worked. But, slow paced storytelling and boring cranky characters made this deadtime story very dead-ish. Skip.

Deadtime Story

Housecall

Directed By Tom Savini

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He is also a man with an awesome resume, Tom Savini is a special effects and make up legend with some acting credits that include his infamous role in Quentin Tarantino’s ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’. He was properly casted as ‘Sex Machine’ with a pistol popping from his crotch. Awesome. But, even Tom couldn’t save this movie from the gutter as his efforts for a 1950s inspired horror flick fell short. Maybe if it was black and white, it might have brought out a better ambience to this deadtime story. A tale of an old doctor, called to the home of an ill patient on a dark and stormy night. It gets confusing as you’d be guessing if this kid was bit by a vampire or a werewolf. By the end of this one, you should be long dozing off to la la land.

Overall, this anthology should be renamed to Bedtime Stories as I can assure you it will put you snoring away. George A. Romero hosting this flick makes me believe that this is nothing but a marketing ploy and should have stick to more ‘___ (fill in the blank) ___ of the Dead’ movies. Only pick this up if you have absolutely nothing in the world of the dead to watch.

Click, Light… Inhale and cough, cough and cough…

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge (2004)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Many horror fans would agree that The Grudge movies could be the best flick to share with your non horror fan girlfriend on a Saturday night. It has the right ingredients to make her want to hold you tight and playas know that gore doesn’t make her wet, but if it gets you wet; get a shrink.

The remake of Japanese original Ju-On, maybe Sarah Michelle Geller’s last stand in horror as the later flicks with her is not so worth mentioning. The Grudge has everything any horror fan wants, a cursed or haunted house, many patterned jump scenes, sudden appearances and disappearances, and rejected ‘Blue Men Group’ vengeful ghosts.

It begins with American foreign exchange student Karen Davis (Sarah Michelle Gellar) in Tokyo, Japan who serves as caretaker-home nurse for a mute and bedridden, elderly and senile American named Emma Williams (Grace Zabriskie) in her scary house where she encounters the evil entity: Kayako for the first time. And then the story goes to several other characters interlinking to this curse the house. In a frightening scene, Karen is showering and shampooing her hair - and she feels fingers grabbing on the back of her head - she jerks around to see what's there; also, as Karen passes by a mirror, the reflection Kayako passing by is also seen; in the scene of daughter of old dead woman, Susan Williams (KaDee Strickland) riding in an elevator, glimpses of Toshio, Kayako’s dead son passing by on each floor; and in the terrifying surveillance "security camera" stalking sequence of Susan, it culminates in her finding the blue-tinted, Kayako (with a wide mouth and eyes, and a defending feral cat-like scream) under the bed sheets in the seeming safety of her bedroom; A lot happens here and there, but another hair raiser would be Kayako crawling down the stairs and kills Karen's boyfriend and fellow student Doug (Jason Behr). Outstanding performances by Toshio and his cat.

The movie ends with SMG trying to get the house burnt to the ground and The Grudge 2 picks up with Karen Davis’s sister Audrey (Amber Tamblyn) coming to Japan to check up on Karen which is hospitalized and diagnosed as insane. Sarah Michelle Geller only has cameo in the sequel but defiantly has the best jump scare of the trilogy with the running away from Kayako to the hospital rooftop and swan dive to her demise scene. An upgrade from the first film would be applying CG on the jump scenes.

This movie is a sure classic and will also be referred for future generation horror heads. So, head on over and get a Blue Ray HD copy of The Grudge and it’s sequels for a good ole’ time with your girl. So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Semum (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The Middle East is known for a lot of stuff but it never crossed my mind that horror movies would be one of them. I seen this movie popping in and out of the net but getting my hands on this one left me high and dry unwittingly. Written and directed by Hasan Karacadağ which reportedly recounts the true story of a woman who lives in İzmir, Turkey actually reminded me of some other known ‘true story’ movies such as the Exorcist and The Amytivlle Horror. The recipe is quite simple, ‘I-saw- something-there’ wife and ‘There’s-nothing-there-honey-husband, added with ‘What’s-wrong-with-you?’ friend and ‘It-might-be-evil’ friend, shimmered with a dose of ‘I’ve-come-to-help-you’ priest and then served with fresh an evil demon coming to kill em’ all. Whoops! Seen that, done that, threw that out the window.

(Listening to Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills while reviewing)

It goes something like this, Twenty-seven-year-old Canan (Ayça İnci) and her husband Volkan (Burak Hakkı) have just moved into a large, new house. Life seems to continue on its routine track in the young couple's new house until one day, when Canan starts feeling that strange things are happening to her although she cannot understand what and why. Canan gradually starts turning into an evil creature as a mysterious and malicious being takes control of her body and actions day after day.

The only thing that I would say stood out would be using Islamic mythology and demons as its inspiration, the Semum (also known as Ernie with Iron Maiden Fans) are a race of demons created by Satan that ruled the earth before god created men, banished to hell, they seek to slay humankind and jam on rock album covers as a screw to god. The flick starts out slow, then slower, then slow, then slower, slow, slower and then just when you think you figured it out, there is an argument scene in hell with the Holy man and a dance crew of semums. The debate? Who’s the man? God or Satan. I’ll just let you figure out who won that dance off. The movie does have its creepy moments and some unique views on the whole possession routine but overall, you’ll feel that lighting up another cigarette for this flick might not be the best idea. The ending comes with a twist that is supposed to do the trick but kinda doesn’t really add up. Watch it once and call your mom on the phone and tell her how much you love her. Download here

2 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Ragini MMS (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

I don’t give a damn what anybody thinks, I love the freakin’ found footage genre. If you have been living under a rock or a fat wife for the past five years, it has been a craze for the horror community to get the genre right. It’s the whole ‘reality’ thingy and ‘what if it was me?’ feeling that gets my pants in a rush. Every country has got one, except for… can’t think of one at the moment, so, let’s carry on with my debut of a review...

India’s try with this genre comes from Independent Bollywood iRock, claiming its bollywood entertainment redefined, helmed by some director dude named Pavan Kirpalani. The release of this flick came by a storm of boring warnings by the Indian Board of Film Certification requesting for some loads of censors for gratuitous boobies grabbing and ass shaking scenes. If you ask me, they should have shit lots of that. Now, the censored version of RAGINI MMS floats around.

I must say, this movie had me sweaty for the first hour of the movie with a lot pure cock teasing moments and what the ladies refer to as ‘intimate moments’ as our main characters Uday (Raj Kumar) and Ragini (Kainaz Motivala) run thru the town and set out for a erotic weekend at run down, bug infested, brothel like bungalow in the middle of nowhere. (Just for the record, my wife would cut my balls off we ended up there.) But to the surprise of all movie goers, Uday ain’t no Bubba Love as he actually made a deal to get Ragini doing the wild thing on camera so that he gets to be an actual actor… who can act!!. Fine explanation for the whole ‘CCTV mode’ of the movie. A lot of steaminess here and there but always keep your eyes out of focus as you will actually have glimpses of some activity elsewhere. The ghostly entity doesn’t actually rears in face till an hour in but it is worth the wait. There are moments in the movie that will get you hooked and I can actually say that without giving out any spoilers, this maybe the genre’s Top 10 worldwide list maker. The CGs are alright and avoiding typical horror clichés, I would recommend at least two views and some good subtitles. So till my next words, light one up for us. Download here

3.5 Ciggies out of 5