Cold Fish (2011)

Click..... Inhale......Pufff.......

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

I've always had fascination with serial killer movies. The trill of detective giving chase, solving clues and eventually leading to the final showdown. It all started with Seven, the thriller starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt. Ever since then I've tried scourging through the net for serial killer movies, good or bad. In my opinion, America and Korea produce the best serial killer movies, stuff of legends such as the aforementioned Seven, From Hell, Zodiac and gritty stuff from Korea, Memories of Murder, Chaser or I Saw the Devil. Though most of them are not based on true events, its polished and entertaining enough to keep you at the edge of your seats.

So when I heard that they are doing a movie based on Gen Sekine and wife, two of Japan's most prolific killers, I was frantically searching for it, also because its directed by Shion Sono, the director who did suicide Circle and Strange Circus. Gen Sekine first came into my attention when I was reading Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein, a fuckin fantastic book by this jewish guy who works as a journalist covering homicide and yakuza activity in Japan. Do get the book asap. Gen Sekine was a dog breeder and a damn fine one at that. He sells the breeds for an exorbitant sum of money and had ties with the yakuza. He also managed to introduce the Alaskan Malamute to Japan which still maintains at the top 19 as one of the best canine breeds. But sadly, behind his dedication to his profession lies a much dangerous individual that's hellbent on eliminating anyone who stands against him.

The movie is loosely based Gen Sekine but he's not the main focus, its the accomplice. Why it is the way it is, I do not know, but somehow everything sorta feels right with the accomplice as the main character. Instead of rearing and breeding dogs, its fishes instead. The director was going against using dogs, as most japanese will spent time cooing over images of dogs, what with their intense fascination with all things cute and cuddly. So now its fishes, plus they can still apply the concept of breeding and high prices with a different subject. The story starts with the introduction of meek and gentle Shamoto, who also breeds and sells fishes but on a very small scale. Somehow he's unhappy with his life because his daughter couldn't accept him remarrying a younger wife after the first wife died. We see Shamoto as a depressed individual who gave up on trying to make things right with his family. His daughter ignores him, his own wife ain't giving him pussy. Its really not that difficult to understand why he is the way he is. Then later we are introduced to Murata, who somehow helps them with their current predicament by enlisting Shamoto's daughter to work in his larger and more impressive fish chain store. In due time, Shamoto is progressively included in Murata's affairs, as a business partner, then a conspirator and finally a murder accomplice. Denden's portrayal as Murata is frighteningly real, like an individual suffering from bipolar disorder, he can be excruciatingly jovial and aggressive the next. One can never expect what this individual will do next and thats extremely frightening. 

There are gore/sex scenes here and there but you never felt that its a gory movie as the main intention here is a play on human emotions, how one struggles from family issues and about suppressed emotional pain. The only gripe I have with this movie is that it runs 2 1/2 hours. This is one of the reasons why I stop watching japanese movies. The pacing is just too damn slow. On several parts they could've speed up the storyline. I won't disclose what happens at the end, its just different and not expected at all. But what I can say is that the ending is very satisfying. Watch it for the superb acting and storyline eventhough it stretches 2 1/2 hours. You won't be disappointed. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Devil’s Rock (2011)

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Back in WWII, Hitler’s efforts to create the super soldier with the influences of the occult are infamous but details about those experiments are not actually captured, so says the Germans. It didn’t stop from movie makers to get creative over this premise and they did give us Hellboy and The Outpost. The latest creative input comes from New Zealand. The Devil’s Rock directed by Paul Campion is our focus of the day.

The day before D-Day, A squadron of allied soldiers is dropped off on a remote island to check out what the Nazis are up to. Upon infiltrating the base, they find all of them dead except for Colonel Klaus Meyer (Matthew Sunderland) whom captures allied Captain Ben Grogan (Craig Hall) and keeps him unconscious. Captain Ben wakes up hours later, now with his squadron dead and Colonel Klaus asking him to trust him to kill what the Nazi’s sinister plan conjured up; A Demon from hell.

The tense situation played by both the lead actors defiantly sets the mood of the flick, the sense of trust be lingers them but things gets juicy once we’re introduced to the wild card player; The Demon (Gina Varela), sexy and manipulative, she tries to seduce the good Captain by shape shifting to the image of his beloved dead wife. Thumbs up for elastic demonic suits with nipples. A little psychological battle between all three characters defiantly put us in our seat and the ending was something unpredictable in the case of a normal heroic morale stand but sure is effective. It has been a while since something good as this has come out in a horror movie that doesn’t depend on the gore factor but keeps the story more locked in to give horror addicts glued for what’s coming up next. We have to say that by far, The Devil’s Rock might be one of the best horror movies out of the USA this summer. Good for you New Zealanders.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Dark House (2008)

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

This straight to DVD movie needs some attention because we never expected it to be actually entertaining. If you haven’t heard of this Darin Scott directed horror flick, don’t blame yourself; we didn’t. Well casted, the only recognizable talents would be Jeffrey Combs and Matt Cohen (Young John Winchester from TV’s Supernatural) fitting their roles. Here goes.

Claire, played Meghan Ory is an actress with a dream but was traumatized as a child being witness to a children filled massacre in an orphanage. It screwed her up so bad that her shrink tells her to face her fears. But as fate would have it, her acting buddies and her are invited to join the cast of a brand new horror attraction owned by millionaire and self proclaimed horror master Malston, named ‘Dark House’. The location is ironically where Claire was traumatized. Filled with holographs of evil stuff, things take a turn for the worst when the body count rises and the evil nanny/religious nut-job Mrs Darrode’s ghost does what she does best.

The flick does have ‘The House on Haunted Hill’ written all of it but the originality in script and scare does make this one watchable. Wholesome family entertainment but the ending can come as a bit surprising for those who don’t like the guessing game. So, add this in your collection and it will brighten up your day; or night.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

A Serbian Film / Sprski (2010)

Click.... inhale...pufffff..... Click.... inhale...pufffff.....

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

How do I start reviewing this? The infamous film that got so many within the gore porn industry talking? This movie is what separates the true gore fan from the wannabes. This movie is pure gore porn in its truest form, it doesn't shy away from restrictions nor prohibitions. Every kill or rape scene is thrown in your face with ample blood splash everywhere. At one point, I don't even remember seeing the movie in color, it's just blood everywhere. And thats not even the hardest part to stomach. The ONLY highlight of the movie is that every women in the movie is hot as fuck and the men all look like middle-age italian GQ models, the only ugly fucker is the main actor himself. The movie is highly polished, with high production values, one wonders what were they thinking when producing this movie. We have the screener copy, so everything is uncensored.

It starts with a happily married, has-been porn star, Milos, who relish in watching his own videos from his heydays, who wanted that one last hit to support his family financially. So when an ex-colleague happens to come by with a proposal, at first hesitant, but then knowing that his have mouths to feed, agreed on acting in his last porn flick with his wife's consent. But the catch is, he will be kept in the dark on how the movie goes until the day he starts work. Its supposed to be a so-called art film funded by this wealthy pornographer, Vukmir. On the first day of shooting, he was appalled at why they were using a child as a spectator for his sex scene. At first he was apprehensive, but soon forced to continue while the little girl watched on. It was after when the director/pornographer shows his "vision" (you will have to watch the movie to find out his vision) to Milos that he refuses to partake in any of his projects, including the one he's in now. Soon, Milos was approached by the Director's assistant, a seductive woman in a nurse uniform who managed to drugged him. He woke up 3 days later, not remembering what had happened. From there we are guided from what he did before to the current situation he is now. I will stop here because I will be spoiling the entire show for you. All I can say is the rest of the movie involves corpse-fucking, decapitation, sodomy and many more gruesome acts that I will not describe. There's a twist at the end which I will not revealed but given the whole content of the movie to be so gruesome, I don't think it will make any difference at that time.

This movie which is masked as an arthouse film, had been banned in most countries, and even if screening is permitted, it will run for only a few days in arthouse cinemas. This movie is to test your personal limit to gore. There's minimal CG in this movie, if any, only a few miniscule scenes. Most violent scenes are achieved with prosthetic limbs and a bunch of extremely highly-skilled makeup artists for the realism. If you can stomach this with a slight grin in your face, congratulations, you iz a sick fuck. We managed to pull through the movie with our minds and mental stability intact, but only barely. I believe if you want to punish people you hate, sit them in front of the screen with hands tied behind, and put this movie on repeat. Cigarette Smoking Man B swears he won't watch the second round for the review, he, the one who got me into gore movies. Come to think of it, he talks and acts funny nowadays. Download here

We won't rate this movie as we believe there will be people who love it for the gore or some who hated this movie because its a sick excuse for torture porn. There's no middle ground to this.

THE TASK (2011)

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

After Dark films used to collect horror movies sprouting from everywhere to assemble the ‘8 Films To Die For’ annual line up. This years is different, After Dark films decided to make their own horror flicks to create their own brand of horror to outwit the industry, but sometimes, just because you are a good sales person doesn’t make you a good CEO. One of the 2011’s lineups is The Task directed by Alex Orwell.

A Haunted Prison with a violent history plays host for a horror game show with six unlucky contestants handcuffed and left in the prison to complete a series of tasks to win USD20,000 each. Hidden cameras are set to record all angles and a crew led by Producer Connie (Alexandra Standen) set up base camp outside the prison and the Task Master (only appearing in a Computer Screen), a creepy clown (Jonas Talkinton) controls the game which pits contestants in various shitty stuff to do. But, the vicious ghost of the late warden has other plans for the contestants making a run for their money.

The non lovable six contestants stand out on their own making them hard to pick a favorite and the story comes a little stuffy in moments because a lot of things happen and before you can compute the situation, the plot pushes further. This might be positive for some viewers but the suspense and surprise doesn’t have the impact it needs for horror fans. This flick might remind you of a lot of other movies but it does try to stay original in the plot, hence being stuffy. The kidnap, the masks and introduction promised an awesome time but you might feel like ‘a hot date gone wrong’ later. We tried to like this horror flick, we really tried.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

INSIDIOUS (2010)

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The most profitable movie of 2010, Directed by James Wan and written by Leigh Whannel; the guys who started the ‘SAW’ franchise, produced by Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli and the return of Darth Maul with a mean haircut. This makes us wonder, why didn’t we review INSIDIOUS in the first place. The reason is quite simple; we couldn’t find the right words.

The new age horror makers plotted out the upmost importance in making a haunted house movie, deception. ‘It’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s your son’. That may be the instant classic line in any genre of movies to join the likes of ‘Luke, I am your father’, ‘Dude, where my car’ and ‘I had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane’. Simple family dealing with the paranormal with the help of a Psychic granny, her team and the mother-in-law but there’s more to what meets the eyes. If you haven’t seen this one, by all means dispose of yourself.

The characters are built up nicely with Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne heading the cast with Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannel as Specs. You might actually start feeling sad for them when all hell breaks loose and after all, sympathy is the best feeling if you’re driving your audience to the feel bad ending you want. Excellent choreography, color tones and ambience makes things a whole lot creepier than they look, thanks to James Wan’s eye for the dark side of things but the ‘icing on the cake’ would be the Jump Scares. Not the freshest ideas but definitely would get the most seasoned horror addict a hair raise or two. James Wan might be the next Hitchcock if he can pull more horror tales like this. Watch it now before your son/brother/neighbor/life partner gets haunted.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4.5 out of 5 ciggies

The Deserted House AKA The Haunted House Project (2010)

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man

Found Footage genre, how far have you come. If you are a rabid follower of our reviews, you’d know that we pray the gods for more of these movies and we may start recording ourselves if the world runs out of it. We go now to the beautiful country of Korea and pay homage for the flick known as ‘The Deserted House’ aka ‘The Haunted House Project’.

The plot is very simple and simplicity at its best. A family perished in their home/factory mysteriously with a twist of daddy having an affair with his secretary, she’s missing, ten years earlier. A team of Supernatural investigators with their Network Producer and crew of two get in to the now abandoned property to get proof of the afterlife. Their footage is found with all of them dead. Familiar tone of the genre? So let’s break it down to see what makes this flick different.

The terrible acting from all the cast members makes it somewhat amateur like but somehow it makes the story much more realistic. The investigators during their initial interviews claim to have shit lots of experience but freaks out at every single time something happens. There are moments where the scare factor gets high but the lack of execution on time makes the experience kind of predictable. I must give credit to the location, its crypt like darkness, the field of clustered crap and dust everywhere makes it the best haunted location ever in any horror flicks seen today. A slow start in the beginning may bring you down but worry not, it does pick eventually with a lot of tension and running around in the dark. Overall, we wouldn’t mind passing the DVD to my fellow smokers but try not to have high expectations.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

2.5 CIGGIES OUT OF 5

Invitation only (2009)

Click....Inhale.....Pufffff

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

I'll be frank. I used to love Maria Ozawa's porn. Back in the days when she still do amateur-ish porn, not the filth that involves golden showers, face-altering bukakke shots, bondage and the rest of the other extreme stuff she does with her punani nowadays. After being toppled by Rio on the JAV charts, another Eurasian that looks even more beautiful than Maria (Hey, AV idols can be beautiful too, you obnoxious jackass) she resorts to doing really hardcore stuff to appeal to a specific porn niche, the extreme type. Not extreme by American standards, but by japanese standards. So when I heard she's appearing in mainstream movies, the old ones being an Indonesian movie Menculik Miyabi, I was pretty curious to see how she fare without exposing her jiggly bits and only relying on her acting skills. So when watching the movie with her scene in it, oh silly me, why would I even consider her to have sufficient acting skills when the scenes involves her fucking another guy??! Again!? Fuck, I might as well stop watching this movie and put on her porn instead. But I digress.

This movie, aside from having Maria Ozawa, have plentiful of really hot women in it. From the start we are introduced to a sorry-ass loser Wade (Jerry Huang) who works as a chauffeur to a rich CEO, Yang (Jerry Huang). While taking a break, he accidently stumbled upon his boss banging Maria Ozawa (Again!) at the backseat of the car. Days later, after much awkwardness, his boss invited him to go to a party of the rich and famous on his behalf since he might be busy, fully aware of loser's financial capability and non-existing fashion sense, he offered him money and suit to go to the party. In the party, everything is permitted, gambling, hot women, the whole works, so you can imagine our boy's surprise when he was told he can have anything he ever wanted. All he needs to do is write on a card provided. Moments later, sure enough, our loser gets laid with Maria (Again!!) and got a new sportscar in return! Wow. Only in the movies, mate. Only in movies.

Not long, our loser realized there's a price to be paid for obtaining all these luxury when they are suddenly stalked by a masked murderer. Not only he thats being targeted, a bunch of other were as well. Then it dawn upon them that this party was planned with them as the main event, and torturing them one by one is the highlight of the evening. The mood and feel of the movie pretty much emulates American teen slasher movies. You have the dilapidated warehouse, you have the masked psycho, you have a bunch of incompetent git who gets themselves killed all the time. Its like a rehash of all American slashers, mix together with a dab of asian production and the result is a half-ass Taiwanese slasher that copies all slasher movies. The only upside of the movie is that its the first torture porn movie in its country, but to the rest of us, mehh..I would give them kudos for trying out something new for the taiwanese film industry but the movie is such a mix-mash of American slashers without a tinge of originality, you just sort of feel disappointed they had a chance to introduce something new for their country but didn't fully utilize it. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

(because of all the hot women, minus 1 if you are a woman)

Kidnapped (2011)

Click.... inhale..... pufff.......

Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

It took me awhile to finally find this movie. It received rave recommendations even before it was out so I was really anxious to watch it. I went into the movie without much anticipation or expectations as I didn't want to read the review knowing what to expect, so I will keep this review as spoiler-free as possible. I can say that what makes this movie so successful is all down to editing and the director Miguel Angel Vivas's vision on how a powerful kidnap movie should be. From the start of the movie viewers will notice the way the movie was shot, almost handy cam-like with tight cropping to bring viewers into the movie instead of just being the person sitting in front of the TV screen. It works brilliantly as every single scene is further intensified as you are forced to absorb everything that happens in the movie, good or bad.

The movie starts off innocently enough with an ordinary well-to-do family moving into a new house. From there we are introduce to the characters one by one. The hardworking dad yearning for a better life for his family, the nagging mom getting into little squabbles with the young teenage daughter. How the story flows is that the director plans to make the start of the movie as mundane or as ordinary as any normal household, therefore viewers can immediately identify themselves with the family mentioned. Then what the director did later was to positioned them in a world of clusterfuck with the kidnappers breaking into their home thus throwing the viewers off-guard with how any normal father/husband would've react if their family is in danger. The movie doesn't throw blood around for cheap thrills, the violent scenes are there because its a necessity to progress through the movie. There are some scene that will definitely leave viewers mouth agape, thanks to the tight cropping technique they incorporated into the movie. Its not that its anything that we gore fans haven't seen, but with that editing technique, that particular scene was extremely powerful and violent.

The movie is gripping with flawless acting, especially from the teenage daughter, Isa (Manuelle Velles) who surprising didn't have much experience in acting in Spain nor was she that famous to begin with. There's this one scene, I'm guessing, was a homage to Irreversible, the french triller starring Monica Belucci. Kidnapped is, in some ways similar to Irreversible. But I can tell you both are quality movies that excels at what they are trying to achieve, that is, a damn good thriller that will have you gripping the seat until the movie ends. Download here for the Spanish version with english hardsub instead of the fucktup dubbed version.

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES