Bereavement 2010

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A
I love tittays, I really do.

I think they're the best thing since the existence of Chuck Norris. A large, well-formed, perfectly supple pair of tittays are able to start wars and bring forth chaos. An example in mind is the lead actress for this thriller, Bereavement. No thriller had create such ruckus on a pair of tittays since the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre's scene of Jessica Biel running in slo-mo after an explosion or something (can't remember, was staring at that pair of puppies throughout to actually remember what's the movie about). I figured the casting directors for this movie shares the same sentiments as I do,"Hey, it worked for Texas Chainsaw! It might work for this as well!". 

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped from his swing back in the 80's, his whereabouts then unknown. The kidnapper decides to groom the child to take on his legacy as a serial killer as he's forced to bear witness to some of the killer's murderous acts. Fast forward to the present we have our lead actress, Alison shifting to her uncle's place after the death of her parents, some backwater, podunk countryside. She's an athlete in her previous school, so its natural she's into some sort of sports right? And what she does to maintain her fitness levels? She jogs. I love it, we have ample scenes of her jogging, with that pair of awesome, mind-blowing tittays heaving up and down as she goes (thank God for gravity). Along the way she manages to befriend some guy with an alcoholic dad and somehow the guy serves as a companion to her adjusting to new surroundings and town. One day jogging, she manage to stumble upon a dilapidated farmhouse unbeknownst to her, housed the killer and the child, now a kid with bad communication skills. 

My take on the movie is, character development. The lead actress, totally devoid of any facial expression, struggles with acting in this thriller, her only saving grace is her pair of tittays, which I can say, have more expression than herself. I also do not understand why they have to include the young boy, since he's the premise for the entire plot of the movie, I feel that he should have bigger role with in-depth character development, instead on just focusing on a pair of tittays, we're horror/thriller/gore fans, not pervy buffoons. Watch this if you have nothing to do on a lazy afternoon, i cannot guarantee the gore and thrills, if a nice pair of heaving bosoms is your thing, this movie have AMPLES of it.

Ciggies if you like well-formed tittays! 

Ciggy if you're a woman, in that case you can stare at your own all day. Not fair.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The 93 minutes remake of the 1988 Halloween feature has the perfect solution for your boring Saturday night with the missus... Horror, comedy and an overweight Edward Furlong, dropping F-bombs like the Al Qaeda. Shannon Elizabeth is super duper fine and not forgetting the scene of the luckiest wine bottle in the world. Also that forgettable chick from the Freddy Vs Jason, Monica Keena. So, the cast members are a lot of fun to watch and the plot is as follows; it's Halloween night, and a Haunted House Goth party hosted by Ms Angela (Shannon) rage on till the cops coming knocking. Angela and a couple of her guests hide in to avoid the raid but the cops ain’t the only problem, because the party is at a house full of demons who want to be set free. There are side plots but who gives a fuck.

We’ve got to say the wicked make up effect sure brought new meaning to the word ‘Ugly’. And about the demons, origin story-wise, We found it awesome. Demons so cruel and evil that Hell itself cast them out. Taking time to think about it, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a wasted opportunity. The demons possess human bodies, thus should have the ability of speech, so it would have been fucking fantastic to delve a little bit into the psychology of these beasts, get their point-of-view on the world or Lucifer, even. It also would have been nice to have a scene where a demon tortures one of the survivors, to get a sense of how cruel and evil incarnate they really are. As it is, they just possess the guests and try to fuck. Nevertheless, the soundtrack rocked ass and surprisingly; No Rob Zombie number. 

Finally, if you have been looking for a jolly good time, pick this up and don’t be a fucking critic; let us do that. Fuck.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge 3 (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

It’s not very easy to follow up on a remake with two sequels but the Grudge 3 might be the exception. It looks easy enough, just follow the curse where ever it goes and be sure to have a lot of creepy music and let Kayako and Toshio do their job. This hopeful sequel went straight to DVD and this very forgettable flick was given to Toby Wilkins’s good hands while franchise creator; Takashi Shimizu stood at the side lines as executive producer. 

The sequel picks up after the curse migrates to America when the foreign exchange student chick got whacked by Kayako in her apartment and her nosy neighbor, Jake (Matthew Knight) watched her disappear in her jacket. Now, Jake is institutionalized under the care of Jigsaw’s former apprentice, Shawnee Smith as Dr. Sullivan and curse is inflicted in the apartment with everyone walking in taking home a surprise visit by Kayako and Toshio. 

The characters are defined with a good sense that we the audience would hate to see them bite the dust. Take the siblings Andy, Lisa and Rose; orphans with the last chance together with little Rose having asthma and her slutty elder sister trying to run off, it’s up to Bother dearly to keep it all together. That already sets up a tear jerking drama, now mix that with the evil Kayako and Toshio in the block and there you have it. Something else got us stirred up, do ghosts get older? Toshio was like 8 in last movie and now he’s 13 and wears shorts. Does he need a haircut too? This movie should rest peacefully in the big box of one hit wonders until we need to refresh our memories.

So till our next words, light one for us. Download here

2 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

THE TASK (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

After Dark films used to collect horror movies sprouting from everywhere to assemble the ‘8 Films To Die For’ annual line up. This years is different, After Dark films decided to make their own horror flicks to create their own brand of horror to outwit the industry, but sometimes, just because you are a good sales person doesn’t make you a good CEO. One of the 2011’s lineups is The Task directed by Alex Orwell.

A Haunted Prison with a violent history plays host for a horror game show with six unlucky contestants handcuffed and left in the prison to complete a series of tasks to win USD20,000 each. Hidden cameras are set to record all angles and a crew led by Producer Connie (Alexandra Standen) set up base camp outside the prison and the Task Master (only appearing in a Computer Screen), a creepy clown (Jonas Talkinton) controls the game which pits contestants in various shitty stuff to do. But, the vicious ghost of the late warden has other plans for the contestants making a run for their money.

The non lovable six contestants stand out on their own making them hard to pick a favorite and the story comes a little stuffy in moments because a lot of things happen and before you can compute the situation, the plot pushes further. This might be positive for some viewers but the suspense and surprise doesn’t have the impact it needs for horror fans. This flick might remind you of a lot of other movies but it does try to stay original in the plot, hence being stuffy. The kidnap, the masks and introduction promised an awesome time but you might feel like ‘a hot date gone wrong’ later. We tried to like this horror flick, we really tried.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

INSIDIOUS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The most profitable movie of 2010, Directed by James Wan and written by Leigh Whannel; the guys who started the ‘SAW’ franchise, produced by Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli and the return of Darth Maul with a mean haircut. This makes us wonder, why didn’t we review INSIDIOUS in the first place. The reason is quite simple; we couldn’t find the right words.

The new age horror makers plotted out the upmost importance in making a haunted house movie, deception. ‘It’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s your son’. That may be the instant classic line in any genre of movies to join the likes of ‘Luke, I am your father’, ‘Dude, where my car’ and ‘I had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane’. Simple family dealing with the paranormal with the help of a Psychic granny, her team and the mother-in-law but there’s more to what meets the eyes. If you haven’t seen this one, by all means dispose of yourself.

The characters are built up nicely with Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne heading the cast with Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannel as Specs. You might actually start feeling sad for them when all hell breaks loose and after all, sympathy is the best feeling if you’re driving your audience to the feel bad ending you want. Excellent choreography, color tones and ambience makes things a whole lot creepier than they look, thanks to James Wan’s eye for the dark side of things but the ‘icing on the cake’ would be the Jump Scares. Not the freshest ideas but definitely would get the most seasoned horror addict a hair raise or two. James Wan might be the next Hitchcock if he can pull more horror tales like this. Watch it now before your son/brother/neighbor/life partner gets haunted.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4.5 out of 5 ciggies

George A. Romero Presents Deadtime Stories Volume 1 (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We all know who George A. Romero is; the brand, the Legend, the ‘Sensei of the Dead’ if you will, has showered us horror nerds with more zombie flicks than any other men on earth. With much respect for the man, I review ‘Deadtime Stories Volume One’ with tears in my eye and trying to find the right words not to offend the man. (I don’t want Zombies on my ass.) Georgie has come up with the awesome idea of a horror anthology with his buddies but falls short on budget, which is clearly obvious. So let’s break’em down and put these stories in prospective.

Deadtime Story

Valley of the Shadow

Directed By Jeff Monahan

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A complicated chick flick where a Lara Croft wannabe chick gets paid big bucks to lead an expedition to some jungle to find something and gets hunted by weird jungle people. There seems to be a lot of running and god knows loads of bad decisions from this chick that leads to their demise. In the midst of this chaos, we are introduced to some exotic fruit that look a lot like some giraffe’s balls that oozes blue. The acting is distasteful and casting a white dude as jungle native man is so not cool. It’s best to skip this whole tale.

Deadtime Story

Wet

Directed By Michael Fischa

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After revitalizing my hopes, (as any horror anthologist would) ‘Wet’ brought something new to the table. A twist in the Mermaid fable that made them more like Sirens, maybe that was the intention and it might have worked. But, slow paced storytelling and boring cranky characters made this deadtime story very dead-ish. Skip.

Deadtime Story

Housecall

Directed By Tom Savini

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He is also a man with an awesome resume, Tom Savini is a special effects and make up legend with some acting credits that include his infamous role in Quentin Tarantino’s ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’. He was properly casted as ‘Sex Machine’ with a pistol popping from his crotch. Awesome. But, even Tom couldn’t save this movie from the gutter as his efforts for a 1950s inspired horror flick fell short. Maybe if it was black and white, it might have brought out a better ambience to this deadtime story. A tale of an old doctor, called to the home of an ill patient on a dark and stormy night. It gets confusing as you’d be guessing if this kid was bit by a vampire or a werewolf. By the end of this one, you should be long dozing off to la la land.

Overall, this anthology should be renamed to Bedtime Stories as I can assure you it will put you snoring away. George A. Romero hosting this flick makes me believe that this is nothing but a marketing ploy and should have stick to more ‘___ (fill in the blank) ___ of the Dead’ movies. Only pick this up if you have absolutely nothing in the world of the dead to watch.

Click, Light… Inhale and cough, cough and cough…

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge (2004)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Many horror fans would agree that The Grudge movies could be the best flick to share with your non horror fan girlfriend on a Saturday night. It has the right ingredients to make her want to hold you tight and playas know that gore doesn’t make her wet, but if it gets you wet; get a shrink.

The remake of Japanese original Ju-On, maybe Sarah Michelle Geller’s last stand in horror as the later flicks with her is not so worth mentioning. The Grudge has everything any horror fan wants, a cursed or haunted house, many patterned jump scenes, sudden appearances and disappearances, and rejected ‘Blue Men Group’ vengeful ghosts.

It begins with American foreign exchange student Karen Davis (Sarah Michelle Gellar) in Tokyo, Japan who serves as caretaker-home nurse for a mute and bedridden, elderly and senile American named Emma Williams (Grace Zabriskie) in her scary house where she encounters the evil entity: Kayako for the first time. And then the story goes to several other characters interlinking to this curse the house. In a frightening scene, Karen is showering and shampooing her hair - and she feels fingers grabbing on the back of her head - she jerks around to see what's there; also, as Karen passes by a mirror, the reflection Kayako passing by is also seen; in the scene of daughter of old dead woman, Susan Williams (KaDee Strickland) riding in an elevator, glimpses of Toshio, Kayako’s dead son passing by on each floor; and in the terrifying surveillance "security camera" stalking sequence of Susan, it culminates in her finding the blue-tinted, Kayako (with a wide mouth and eyes, and a defending feral cat-like scream) under the bed sheets in the seeming safety of her bedroom; A lot happens here and there, but another hair raiser would be Kayako crawling down the stairs and kills Karen's boyfriend and fellow student Doug (Jason Behr). Outstanding performances by Toshio and his cat.

The movie ends with SMG trying to get the house burnt to the ground and The Grudge 2 picks up with Karen Davis’s sister Audrey (Amber Tamblyn) coming to Japan to check up on Karen which is hospitalized and diagnosed as insane. Sarah Michelle Geller only has cameo in the sequel but defiantly has the best jump scare of the trilogy with the running away from Kayako to the hospital rooftop and swan dive to her demise scene. An upgrade from the first film would be applying CG on the jump scenes.

This movie is a sure classic and will also be referred for future generation horror heads. So, head on over and get a Blue Ray HD copy of The Grudge and it’s sequels for a good ole’ time with your girl. So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES