Tolong! Awek aku pontianak (2011)

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Reviewed by the Cigarette Smoking Man A

Usually its against our ethics to review any movies that we didn't manage to finish watching. But I will make an exception for this. We recently see a surge in horror movies produced in Malaysia month after month, but is it any good? Will we be able to surpass the powerhouse horror churners that is Thailand, Korea and Japan? I can only say that it would be the next 40 years before we can even come close to what Thailand achieve with Shutter or how Japan gain international recognition with The Ring/Ju-on. Before this movie we have Seru, Karak, Penunggu Istana and many others that followed. It seems we are trying to re-create the horror season that had profited the movie industry in Thailand or Japan. Even with director James Lee, whose well-known in the circle as one of the most prominent figures in the Malaysian movie industry, failed to deliver a tight, well-crafted horror comedy. Yes,  blame it on the lack of budget, lack of talent, but the fact of the matter is, the movie sucks ass. 

Alot of horror movies that came out of Malaysia are malay horror movies. Any blockbuster movies that is produced in Malaysia needs to have a malay actor or actress as the lead. And the movie needs to have at LEAST 60% malay actors/actresses that speaks malay, THE national language. Otherwise, any movie producers can forget about funding from FINAS. Chinese or Indian movies you say? Forget that shit. Any movie that don't use malay as the main language count as an INTERNATIONAL film, because if you don't, then fund your goddam movie yourself! How can Malaysia still can be so fuckin backwards? I thought we are way past the race thing? Till now I still do not understand the logic.

So we have Tolong, Awek aku pontianak (Help, my girlfriend is a vampire). The story follows a feeble Junior Creative Director, Bob, working 9-5 in a design agency. He's a complete doormat and is frequently terrorize by his bosses. So we have Bob, a complete loser and Pian, his other loser parasitic friend who lives off him in the same apartment. Short of being an even bigger loser, his girlfriend dumps him because she expected more of him. Serves that retard right for being such a fuckin' loser, hahahaha! Not long, Bob and Pian figures its best to shift in a smaller house with lower rent to cut cost of living. Oh surprise! It happens that his neighbors are 2 women vampires! Somehow Bob manage to score a date with vampire girl no.1 (so fuckin' forgettable, couldn't recall the damn name) played by Sazzy Falak whose acting is so excruciatingly bad, twiddling your thumbs while watching paint dry seems like a better alternative in a balmy afternoon. After the date, some Mat Rempit (juvenile delinquents driving motorcycles, total fucktards, if you happen to be living in Malaysia) snatched vampire girl's handbag. Then she transformed ...... we are introduced to Malaysia's rendition of a langsuir/pontianak (a vampire) if you count several brushstrokes of dark mascara on the face with fake teeth. The makeup is so amateurish, I'm guessing they hired several fresh graduates from some dilapidated make-up school in Jinjang (If you live in Jinjang, time to move yo' ass) for the movie. Then the flying begins, with the wire-fu technique utilized in Hong Kong martial arts movies, BACK IN THE FUCKIN' 80'S! That is when I turn the movie off. Or you can choose to put a bullet between your eyes to end yourself.

The movie is so poorly written, so badly produced it doesn't even fit into any horror genre. The Thais do horror comedy seamlessly, like Phobia 2 or even Haunted Universities. To even compare the Thai horror movies with this, should be a huge disservice to the Thai Comedy Horror genre. Why are we even reviewing this? To be fair, we do not want to review only good movies. We need to enlighten movie fans with which movie they should AVOID. Download here if you do not have thumbs and your walls are freshly painted. 

I would love to give ciggy ratings to this movie but unfortunately I do not have images of ZERO ciggies.

The Victim (2006)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We thoroughly enjoyed this movie. In fact it's one of the most scariest Thai horror movies we can ever recommend. This is one of those movies where the end credits are even more interesting than the entire movie, not to say that the movie is shite, it is, as we mentioned, one of the best. The movie starts off with May, a happy-go-lucky, struggling, acting student, trying to make ends meet by appearing as extras in game shows, movies and such. Not long she got noticed by the local detective who pays her to reenact murder scenes committed by real life murders. All is good as  she finally gains recognition as the victim of the murder scenes.

But her big break came when she was proposed to reenact a murder scene of a former Miss Thailand. As expected, she started seeing visions and apparitions connected to the murder. Now, the movie throws a curve ball and the whole story line turns 360 degrees. There are 2 major twist in the movie. We will not risk revealing much, but most viewers will feel turned off by the sudden change in direction of the movie. But nevertheless, we feel that the twist will not affect the scares and the tense atmosphere of the movie too much.

Why we agreed that this movie is one of the best Thai horror because of the clever use of silence and atmospheric tension. The worse is when they started introducing traditional Thai chimes and jingles used in traditional thai dances during some of the more intense scenes. It really adds to the whole feel of an extremely well-thought horror movie. One of the scenes that really send chills down our spine, (and we are 2 really hardcore horror fans who don't jump easily) is the editing room scene and the incoming dancing apparition. Well, we can reveal this to you and you will still feel it when watching it, yes, we are that confident the movie is scary. We were freaking the hell out when the chimes started resonating in the entire cinema. It really feels as though the sound is coming beside you.

Viewers best stayed on till the end of the credits, where the actual movie production team manages to capture footages of apparitions in various locations of the shoot. Fake or not, we couldn't tell, but we rather not discuss about it as not to spoil the illusion. As mentioned earlier, the best part of the movie is the credits. Let it roll with the speakers on loud. We guaran-damn-tee you will be freaked out. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The 93 minutes remake of the 1988 Halloween feature has the perfect solution for your boring Saturday night with the missus... Horror, comedy and an overweight Edward Furlong, dropping F-bombs like the Al Qaeda. Shannon Elizabeth is super duper fine and not forgetting the scene of the luckiest wine bottle in the world. Also that forgettable chick from the Freddy Vs Jason, Monica Keena. So, the cast members are a lot of fun to watch and the plot is as follows; it's Halloween night, and a Haunted House Goth party hosted by Ms Angela (Shannon) rage on till the cops coming knocking. Angela and a couple of her guests hide in to avoid the raid but the cops ain’t the only problem, because the party is at a house full of demons who want to be set free. There are side plots but who gives a fuck.

We’ve got to say the wicked make up effect sure brought new meaning to the word ‘Ugly’. And about the demons, origin story-wise, We found it awesome. Demons so cruel and evil that Hell itself cast them out. Taking time to think about it, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a wasted opportunity. The demons possess human bodies, thus should have the ability of speech, so it would have been fucking fantastic to delve a little bit into the psychology of these beasts, get their point-of-view on the world or Lucifer, even. It also would have been nice to have a scene where a demon tortures one of the survivors, to get a sense of how cruel and evil incarnate they really are. As it is, they just possess the guests and try to fuck. Nevertheless, the soundtrack rocked ass and surprisingly; No Rob Zombie number. 

Finally, if you have been looking for a jolly good time, pick this up and don’t be a fucking critic; let us do that. Fuck.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge 3 (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

It’s not very easy to follow up on a remake with two sequels but the Grudge 3 might be the exception. It looks easy enough, just follow the curse where ever it goes and be sure to have a lot of creepy music and let Kayako and Toshio do their job. This hopeful sequel went straight to DVD and this very forgettable flick was given to Toby Wilkins’s good hands while franchise creator; Takashi Shimizu stood at the side lines as executive producer. 

The sequel picks up after the curse migrates to America when the foreign exchange student chick got whacked by Kayako in her apartment and her nosy neighbor, Jake (Matthew Knight) watched her disappear in her jacket. Now, Jake is institutionalized under the care of Jigsaw’s former apprentice, Shawnee Smith as Dr. Sullivan and curse is inflicted in the apartment with everyone walking in taking home a surprise visit by Kayako and Toshio. 

The characters are defined with a good sense that we the audience would hate to see them bite the dust. Take the siblings Andy, Lisa and Rose; orphans with the last chance together with little Rose having asthma and her slutty elder sister trying to run off, it’s up to Bother dearly to keep it all together. That already sets up a tear jerking drama, now mix that with the evil Kayako and Toshio in the block and there you have it. Something else got us stirred up, do ghosts get older? Toshio was like 8 in last movie and now he’s 13 and wears shorts. Does he need a haircut too? This movie should rest peacefully in the big box of one hit wonders until we need to refresh our memories.

So till our next words, light one for us. Download here

2 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Cold Fish (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

I've always had fascination with serial killer movies. The trill of detective giving chase, solving clues and eventually leading to the final showdown. It all started with Seven, the thriller starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt. Ever since then I've tried scourging through the net for serial killer movies, good or bad. In my opinion, America and Korea produce the best serial killer movies, stuff of legends such as the aforementioned Seven, From Hell, Zodiac and gritty stuff from Korea, Memories of Murder, Chaser or I Saw the Devil. Though most of them are not based on true events, its polished and entertaining enough to keep you at the edge of your seats.

So when I heard that they are doing a movie based on Gen Sekine and wife, two of Japan's most prolific killers, I was frantically searching for it, also because its directed by Shion Sono, the director who did suicide Circle and Strange Circus. Gen Sekine first came into my attention when I was reading Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein, a fuckin fantastic book by this jewish guy who works as a journalist covering homicide and yakuza activity in Japan. Do get the book asap. Gen Sekine was a dog breeder and a damn fine one at that. He sells the breeds for an exorbitant sum of money and had ties with the yakuza. He also managed to introduce the Alaskan Malamute to Japan which still maintains at the top 19 as one of the best canine breeds. But sadly, behind his dedication to his profession lies a much dangerous individual that's hellbent on eliminating anyone who stands against him.

The movie is loosely based Gen Sekine but he's not the main focus, its the accomplice. Why it is the way it is, I do not know, but somehow everything sorta feels right with the accomplice as the main character. Instead of rearing and breeding dogs, its fishes instead. The director was going against using dogs, as most japanese will spent time cooing over images of dogs, what with their intense fascination with all things cute and cuddly. So now its fishes, plus they can still apply the concept of breeding and high prices with a different subject. The story starts with the introduction of meek and gentle Shamoto, who also breeds and sells fishes but on a very small scale. Somehow he's unhappy with his life because his daughter couldn't accept him remarrying a younger wife after the first wife died. We see Shamoto as a depressed individual who gave up on trying to make things right with his family. His daughter ignores him, his own wife ain't giving him pussy. Its really not that difficult to understand why he is the way he is. Then later we are introduced to Murata, who somehow helps them with their current predicament by enlisting Shamoto's daughter to work in his larger and more impressive fish chain store. In due time, Shamoto is progressively included in Murata's affairs, as a business partner, then a conspirator and finally a murder accomplice. Denden's portrayal as Murata is frighteningly real, like an individual suffering from bipolar disorder, he can be excruciatingly jovial and aggressive the next. One can never expect what this individual will do next and thats extremely frightening. 

There are gore/sex scenes here and there but you never felt that its a gory movie as the main intention here is a play on human emotions, how one struggles from family issues and about suppressed emotional pain. The only gripe I have with this movie is that it runs 2 1/2 hours. This is one of the reasons why I stop watching japanese movies. The pacing is just too damn slow. On several parts they could've speed up the storyline. I won't disclose what happens at the end, its just different and not expected at all. But what I can say is that the ending is very satisfying. Watch it for the superb acting and storyline eventhough it stretches 2 1/2 hours. You won't be disappointed. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Devil’s Rock (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Back in WWII, Hitler’s efforts to create the super soldier with the influences of the occult are infamous but details about those experiments are not actually captured, so says the Germans. It didn’t stop from movie makers to get creative over this premise and they did give us Hellboy and The Outpost. The latest creative input comes from New Zealand. The Devil’s Rock directed by Paul Campion is our focus of the day.

The day before D-Day, A squadron of allied soldiers is dropped off on a remote island to check out what the Nazis are up to. Upon infiltrating the base, they find all of them dead except for Colonel Klaus Meyer (Matthew Sunderland) whom captures allied Captain Ben Grogan (Craig Hall) and keeps him unconscious. Captain Ben wakes up hours later, now with his squadron dead and Colonel Klaus asking him to trust him to kill what the Nazi’s sinister plan conjured up; A Demon from hell.

The tense situation played by both the lead actors defiantly sets the mood of the flick, the sense of trust be lingers them but things gets juicy once we’re introduced to the wild card player; The Demon (Gina Varela), sexy and manipulative, she tries to seduce the good Captain by shape shifting to the image of his beloved dead wife. Thumbs up for elastic demonic suits with nipples. A little psychological battle between all three characters defiantly put us in our seat and the ending was something unpredictable in the case of a normal heroic morale stand but sure is effective. It has been a while since something good as this has come out in a horror movie that doesn’t depend on the gore factor but keeps the story more locked in to give horror addicts glued for what’s coming up next. We have to say that by far, The Devil’s Rock might be one of the best horror movies out of the USA this summer. Good for you New Zealanders.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Dark House (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

This straight to DVD movie needs some attention because we never expected it to be actually entertaining. If you haven’t heard of this Darin Scott directed horror flick, don’t blame yourself; we didn’t. Well casted, the only recognizable talents would be Jeffrey Combs and Matt Cohen (Young John Winchester from TV’s Supernatural) fitting their roles. Here goes.

Claire, played Meghan Ory is an actress with a dream but was traumatized as a child being witness to a children filled massacre in an orphanage. It screwed her up so bad that her shrink tells her to face her fears. But as fate would have it, her acting buddies and her are invited to join the cast of a brand new horror attraction owned by millionaire and self proclaimed horror master Malston, named ‘Dark House’. The location is ironically where Claire was traumatized. Filled with holographs of evil stuff, things take a turn for the worst when the body count rises and the evil nanny/religious nut-job Mrs Darrode’s ghost does what she does best.

The flick does have ‘The House on Haunted Hill’ written all of it but the originality in script and scare does make this one watchable. Wholesome family entertainment but the ending can come as a bit surprising for those who don’t like the guessing game. So, add this in your collection and it will brighten up your day; or night.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

A Serbian Film / Sprski (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

How do I start reviewing this? The infamous film that got so many within the gore porn industry talking? This movie is what separates the true gore fan from the wannabes. This movie is pure gore porn in its truest form, it doesn't shy away from restrictions nor prohibitions. Every kill or rape scene is thrown in your face with ample blood splash everywhere. At one point, I don't even remember seeing the movie in color, it's just blood everywhere. And thats not even the hardest part to stomach. The ONLY highlight of the movie is that every women in the movie is hot as fuck and the men all look like middle-age italian GQ models, the only ugly fucker is the main actor himself. The movie is highly polished, with high production values, one wonders what were they thinking when producing this movie. We have the screener copy, so everything is uncensored.

It starts with a happily married, has-been porn star, Milos, who relish in watching his own videos from his heydays, who wanted that one last hit to support his family financially. So when an ex-colleague happens to come by with a proposal, at first hesitant, but then knowing that his have mouths to feed, agreed on acting in his last porn flick with his wife's consent. But the catch is, he will be kept in the dark on how the movie goes until the day he starts work. Its supposed to be a so-called art film funded by this wealthy pornographer, Vukmir. On the first day of shooting, he was appalled at why they were using a child as a spectator for his sex scene. At first he was apprehensive, but soon forced to continue while the little girl watched on. It was after when the director/pornographer shows his "vision" (you will have to watch the movie to find out his vision) to Milos that he refuses to partake in any of his projects, including the one he's in now. Soon, Milos was approached by the Director's assistant, a seductive woman in a nurse uniform who managed to drugged him. He woke up 3 days later, not remembering what had happened. From there we are guided from what he did before to the current situation he is now. I will stop here because I will be spoiling the entire show for you. All I can say is the rest of the movie involves corpse-fucking, decapitation, sodomy and many more gruesome acts that I will not describe. There's a twist at the end which I will not revealed but given the whole content of the movie to be so gruesome, I don't think it will make any difference at that time.

This movie which is masked as an arthouse film, had been banned in most countries, and even if screening is permitted, it will run for only a few days in arthouse cinemas. This movie is to test your personal limit to gore. There's minimal CG in this movie, if any, only a few miniscule scenes. Most violent scenes are achieved with prosthetic limbs and a bunch of extremely highly-skilled makeup artists for the realism. If you can stomach this with a slight grin in your face, congratulations, you iz a sick fuck. We managed to pull through the movie with our minds and mental stability intact, but only barely. I believe if you want to punish people you hate, sit them in front of the screen with hands tied behind, and put this movie on repeat. Cigarette Smoking Man B swears he won't watch the second round for the review, he, the one who got me into gore movies. Come to think of it, he talks and acts funny nowadays. Download here

We won't rate this movie as we believe there will be people who love it for the gore or some who hated this movie because its a sick excuse for torture porn. There's no middle ground to this.

THE TASK (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

After Dark films used to collect horror movies sprouting from everywhere to assemble the ‘8 Films To Die For’ annual line up. This years is different, After Dark films decided to make their own horror flicks to create their own brand of horror to outwit the industry, but sometimes, just because you are a good sales person doesn’t make you a good CEO. One of the 2011’s lineups is The Task directed by Alex Orwell.

A Haunted Prison with a violent history plays host for a horror game show with six unlucky contestants handcuffed and left in the prison to complete a series of tasks to win USD20,000 each. Hidden cameras are set to record all angles and a crew led by Producer Connie (Alexandra Standen) set up base camp outside the prison and the Task Master (only appearing in a Computer Screen), a creepy clown (Jonas Talkinton) controls the game which pits contestants in various shitty stuff to do. But, the vicious ghost of the late warden has other plans for the contestants making a run for their money.

The non lovable six contestants stand out on their own making them hard to pick a favorite and the story comes a little stuffy in moments because a lot of things happen and before you can compute the situation, the plot pushes further. This might be positive for some viewers but the suspense and surprise doesn’t have the impact it needs for horror fans. This flick might remind you of a lot of other movies but it does try to stay original in the plot, hence being stuffy. The kidnap, the masks and introduction promised an awesome time but you might feel like ‘a hot date gone wrong’ later. We tried to like this horror flick, we really tried.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

INSIDIOUS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The most profitable movie of 2010, Directed by James Wan and written by Leigh Whannel; the guys who started the ‘SAW’ franchise, produced by Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli and the return of Darth Maul with a mean haircut. This makes us wonder, why didn’t we review INSIDIOUS in the first place. The reason is quite simple; we couldn’t find the right words.

The new age horror makers plotted out the upmost importance in making a haunted house movie, deception. ‘It’s not the house that’s haunted, it’s your son’. That may be the instant classic line in any genre of movies to join the likes of ‘Luke, I am your father’, ‘Dude, where my car’ and ‘I had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane’. Simple family dealing with the paranormal with the help of a Psychic granny, her team and the mother-in-law but there’s more to what meets the eyes. If you haven’t seen this one, by all means dispose of yourself.

The characters are built up nicely with Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne heading the cast with Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannel as Specs. You might actually start feeling sad for them when all hell breaks loose and after all, sympathy is the best feeling if you’re driving your audience to the feel bad ending you want. Excellent choreography, color tones and ambience makes things a whole lot creepier than they look, thanks to James Wan’s eye for the dark side of things but the ‘icing on the cake’ would be the Jump Scares. Not the freshest ideas but definitely would get the most seasoned horror addict a hair raise or two. James Wan might be the next Hitchcock if he can pull more horror tales like this. Watch it now before your son/brother/neighbor/life partner gets haunted.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4.5 out of 5 ciggies

The Deserted House AKA The Haunted House Project (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man

Found Footage genre, how far have you come. If you are a rabid follower of our reviews, you’d know that we pray the gods for more of these movies and we may start recording ourselves if the world runs out of it. We go now to the beautiful country of Korea and pay homage for the flick known as ‘The Deserted House’ aka ‘The Haunted House Project’.

The plot is very simple and simplicity at its best. A family perished in their home/factory mysteriously with a twist of daddy having an affair with his secretary, she’s missing, ten years earlier. A team of Supernatural investigators with their Network Producer and crew of two get in to the now abandoned property to get proof of the afterlife. Their footage is found with all of them dead. Familiar tone of the genre? So let’s break it down to see what makes this flick different.

The terrible acting from all the cast members makes it somewhat amateur like but somehow it makes the story much more realistic. The investigators during their initial interviews claim to have shit lots of experience but freaks out at every single time something happens. There are moments where the scare factor gets high but the lack of execution on time makes the experience kind of predictable. I must give credit to the location, its crypt like darkness, the field of clustered crap and dust everywhere makes it the best haunted location ever in any horror flicks seen today. A slow start in the beginning may bring you down but worry not, it does pick eventually with a lot of tension and running around in the dark. Overall, we wouldn’t mind passing the DVD to my fellow smokers but try not to have high expectations.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

2.5 CIGGIES OUT OF 5

Invitation only (2009)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

I'll be frank. I used to love Maria Ozawa's porn. Back in the days when she still do amateur-ish porn, not the filth that involves golden showers, face-altering bukakke shots, bondage and the rest of the other extreme stuff she does with her punani nowadays. After being toppled by Rio on the JAV charts, another Eurasian that looks even more beautiful than Maria (Hey, AV idols can be beautiful too, you obnoxious jackass) she resorts to doing really hardcore stuff to appeal to a specific porn niche, the extreme type. Not extreme by American standards, but by japanese standards. So when I heard she's appearing in mainstream movies, the old ones being an Indonesian movie Menculik Miyabi, I was pretty curious to see how she fare without exposing her jiggly bits and only relying on her acting skills. So when watching the movie with her scene in it, oh silly me, why would I even consider her to have sufficient acting skills when the scenes involves her fucking another guy??! Again!? Fuck, I might as well stop watching this movie and put on her porn instead. But I digress.

This movie, aside from having Maria Ozawa, have plentiful of really hot women in it. From the start we are introduced to a sorry-ass loser Wade (Jerry Huang) who works as a chauffeur to a rich CEO, Yang (Jerry Huang). While taking a break, he accidently stumbled upon his boss banging Maria Ozawa (Again!) at the backseat of the car. Days later, after much awkwardness, his boss invited him to go to a party of the rich and famous on his behalf since he might be busy, fully aware of loser's financial capability and non-existing fashion sense, he offered him money and suit to go to the party. In the party, everything is permitted, gambling, hot women, the whole works, so you can imagine our boy's surprise when he was told he can have anything he ever wanted. All he needs to do is write on a card provided. Moments later, sure enough, our loser gets laid with Maria (Again!!) and got a new sportscar in return! Wow. Only in the movies, mate. Only in movies.

Not long, our loser realized there's a price to be paid for obtaining all these luxury when they are suddenly stalked by a masked murderer. Not only he thats being targeted, a bunch of other were as well. Then it dawn upon them that this party was planned with them as the main event, and torturing them one by one is the highlight of the evening. The mood and feel of the movie pretty much emulates American teen slasher movies. You have the dilapidated warehouse, you have the masked psycho, you have a bunch of incompetent git who gets themselves killed all the time. Its like a rehash of all American slashers, mix together with a dab of asian production and the result is a half-ass Taiwanese slasher that copies all slasher movies. The only upside of the movie is that its the first torture porn movie in its country, but to the rest of us, mehh..I would give them kudos for trying out something new for the taiwanese film industry but the movie is such a mix-mash of American slashers without a tinge of originality, you just sort of feel disappointed they had a chance to introduce something new for their country but didn't fully utilize it. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

(because of all the hot women, minus 1 if you are a woman)

Kidnapped (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

It took me awhile to finally find this movie. It received rave recommendations even before it was out so I was really anxious to watch it. I went into the movie without much anticipation or expectations as I didn't want to read the review knowing what to expect, so I will keep this review as spoiler-free as possible. I can say that what makes this movie so successful is all down to editing and the director Miguel Angel Vivas's vision on how a powerful kidnap movie should be. From the start of the movie viewers will notice the way the movie was shot, almost handy cam-like with tight cropping to bring viewers into the movie instead of just being the person sitting in front of the TV screen. It works brilliantly as every single scene is further intensified as you are forced to absorb everything that happens in the movie, good or bad.

The movie starts off innocently enough with an ordinary well-to-do family moving into a new house. From there we are introduce to the characters one by one. The hardworking dad yearning for a better life for his family, the nagging mom getting into little squabbles with the young teenage daughter. How the story flows is that the director plans to make the start of the movie as mundane or as ordinary as any normal household, therefore viewers can immediately identify themselves with the family mentioned. Then what the director did later was to positioned them in a world of clusterfuck with the kidnappers breaking into their home thus throwing the viewers off-guard with how any normal father/husband would've react if their family is in danger. The movie doesn't throw blood around for cheap thrills, the violent scenes are there because its a necessity to progress through the movie. There are some scene that will definitely leave viewers mouth agape, thanks to the tight cropping technique they incorporated into the movie. Its not that its anything that we gore fans haven't seen, but with that editing technique, that particular scene was extremely powerful and violent.

The movie is gripping with flawless acting, especially from the teenage daughter, Isa (Manuelle Velles) who surprising didn't have much experience in acting in Spain nor was she that famous to begin with. There's this one scene, I'm guessing, was a homage to Irreversible, the french triller starring Monica Belucci. Kidnapped is, in some ways similar to Irreversible. But I can tell you both are quality movies that excels at what they are trying to achieve, that is, a damn good thriller that will have you gripping the seat until the movie ends. Download here for the Spanish version with english hardsub instead of the fucktup dubbed version.

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

George A. Romero Presents Deadtime Stories Volume 1 (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We all know who George A. Romero is; the brand, the Legend, the ‘Sensei of the Dead’ if you will, has showered us horror nerds with more zombie flicks than any other men on earth. With much respect for the man, I review ‘Deadtime Stories Volume One’ with tears in my eye and trying to find the right words not to offend the man. (I don’t want Zombies on my ass.) Georgie has come up with the awesome idea of a horror anthology with his buddies but falls short on budget, which is clearly obvious. So let’s break’em down and put these stories in prospective.

Deadtime Story

Valley of the Shadow

Directed By Jeff Monahan

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A complicated chick flick where a Lara Croft wannabe chick gets paid big bucks to lead an expedition to some jungle to find something and gets hunted by weird jungle people. There seems to be a lot of running and god knows loads of bad decisions from this chick that leads to their demise. In the midst of this chaos, we are introduced to some exotic fruit that look a lot like some giraffe’s balls that oozes blue. The acting is distasteful and casting a white dude as jungle native man is so not cool. It’s best to skip this whole tale.

Deadtime Story

Wet

Directed By Michael Fischa

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After revitalizing my hopes, (as any horror anthologist would) ‘Wet’ brought something new to the table. A twist in the Mermaid fable that made them more like Sirens, maybe that was the intention and it might have worked. But, slow paced storytelling and boring cranky characters made this deadtime story very dead-ish. Skip.

Deadtime Story

Housecall

Directed By Tom Savini

Click, Light… Inhale and Pufffff…

He is also a man with an awesome resume, Tom Savini is a special effects and make up legend with some acting credits that include his infamous role in Quentin Tarantino’s ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’. He was properly casted as ‘Sex Machine’ with a pistol popping from his crotch. Awesome. But, even Tom couldn’t save this movie from the gutter as his efforts for a 1950s inspired horror flick fell short. Maybe if it was black and white, it might have brought out a better ambience to this deadtime story. A tale of an old doctor, called to the home of an ill patient on a dark and stormy night. It gets confusing as you’d be guessing if this kid was bit by a vampire or a werewolf. By the end of this one, you should be long dozing off to la la land.

Overall, this anthology should be renamed to Bedtime Stories as I can assure you it will put you snoring away. George A. Romero hosting this flick makes me believe that this is nothing but a marketing ploy and should have stick to more ‘___ (fill in the blank) ___ of the Dead’ movies. Only pick this up if you have absolutely nothing in the world of the dead to watch.

Click, Light… Inhale and cough, cough and cough…

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

1 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES