Bereavement 2010

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A
I love tittays, I really do.

I think they're the best thing since the existence of Chuck Norris. A large, well-formed, perfectly supple pair of tittays are able to start wars and bring forth chaos. An example in mind is the lead actress for this thriller, Bereavement. No thriller had create such ruckus on a pair of tittays since the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre's scene of Jessica Biel running in slo-mo after an explosion or something (can't remember, was staring at that pair of puppies throughout to actually remember what's the movie about). I figured the casting directors for this movie shares the same sentiments as I do,"Hey, it worked for Texas Chainsaw! It might work for this as well!". 

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped from his swing back in the 80's, his whereabouts then unknown. The kidnapper decides to groom the child to take on his legacy as a serial killer as he's forced to bear witness to some of the killer's murderous acts. Fast forward to the present we have our lead actress, Alison shifting to her uncle's place after the death of her parents, some backwater, podunk countryside. She's an athlete in her previous school, so its natural she's into some sort of sports right? And what she does to maintain her fitness levels? She jogs. I love it, we have ample scenes of her jogging, with that pair of awesome, mind-blowing tittays heaving up and down as she goes (thank God for gravity). Along the way she manages to befriend some guy with an alcoholic dad and somehow the guy serves as a companion to her adjusting to new surroundings and town. One day jogging, she manage to stumble upon a dilapidated farmhouse unbeknownst to her, housed the killer and the child, now a kid with bad communication skills. 

My take on the movie is, character development. The lead actress, totally devoid of any facial expression, struggles with acting in this thriller, her only saving grace is her pair of tittays, which I can say, have more expression than herself. I also do not understand why they have to include the young boy, since he's the premise for the entire plot of the movie, I feel that he should have bigger role with in-depth character development, instead on just focusing on a pair of tittays, we're horror/thriller/gore fans, not pervy buffoons. Watch this if you have nothing to do on a lazy afternoon, i cannot guarantee the gore and thrills, if a nice pair of heaving bosoms is your thing, this movie have AMPLES of it.

Ciggies if you like well-formed tittays! 

Ciggy if you're a woman, in that case you can stare at your own all day. Not fair.

Tolong! Awek aku pontianak (2011)

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Reviewed by the Cigarette Smoking Man A

Usually its against our ethics to review any movies that we didn't manage to finish watching. But I will make an exception for this. We recently see a surge in horror movies produced in Malaysia month after month, but is it any good? Will we be able to surpass the powerhouse horror churners that is Thailand, Korea and Japan? I can only say that it would be the next 40 years before we can even come close to what Thailand achieve with Shutter or how Japan gain international recognition with The Ring/Ju-on. Before this movie we have Seru, Karak, Penunggu Istana and many others that followed. It seems we are trying to re-create the horror season that had profited the movie industry in Thailand or Japan. Even with director James Lee, whose well-known in the circle as one of the most prominent figures in the Malaysian movie industry, failed to deliver a tight, well-crafted horror comedy. Yes,  blame it on the lack of budget, lack of talent, but the fact of the matter is, the movie sucks ass. 

Alot of horror movies that came out of Malaysia are malay horror movies. Any blockbuster movies that is produced in Malaysia needs to have a malay actor or actress as the lead. And the movie needs to have at LEAST 60% malay actors/actresses that speaks malay, THE national language. Otherwise, any movie producers can forget about funding from FINAS. Chinese or Indian movies you say? Forget that shit. Any movie that don't use malay as the main language count as an INTERNATIONAL film, because if you don't, then fund your goddam movie yourself! How can Malaysia still can be so fuckin backwards? I thought we are way past the race thing? Till now I still do not understand the logic.

So we have Tolong, Awek aku pontianak (Help, my girlfriend is a vampire). The story follows a feeble Junior Creative Director, Bob, working 9-5 in a design agency. He's a complete doormat and is frequently terrorize by his bosses. So we have Bob, a complete loser and Pian, his other loser parasitic friend who lives off him in the same apartment. Short of being an even bigger loser, his girlfriend dumps him because she expected more of him. Serves that retard right for being such a fuckin' loser, hahahaha! Not long, Bob and Pian figures its best to shift in a smaller house with lower rent to cut cost of living. Oh surprise! It happens that his neighbors are 2 women vampires! Somehow Bob manage to score a date with vampire girl no.1 (so fuckin' forgettable, couldn't recall the damn name) played by Sazzy Falak whose acting is so excruciatingly bad, twiddling your thumbs while watching paint dry seems like a better alternative in a balmy afternoon. After the date, some Mat Rempit (juvenile delinquents driving motorcycles, total fucktards, if you happen to be living in Malaysia) snatched vampire girl's handbag. Then she transformed ...... we are introduced to Malaysia's rendition of a langsuir/pontianak (a vampire) if you count several brushstrokes of dark mascara on the face with fake teeth. The makeup is so amateurish, I'm guessing they hired several fresh graduates from some dilapidated make-up school in Jinjang (If you live in Jinjang, time to move yo' ass) for the movie. Then the flying begins, with the wire-fu technique utilized in Hong Kong martial arts movies, BACK IN THE FUCKIN' 80'S! That is when I turn the movie off. Or you can choose to put a bullet between your eyes to end yourself.

The movie is so poorly written, so badly produced it doesn't even fit into any horror genre. The Thais do horror comedy seamlessly, like Phobia 2 or even Haunted Universities. To even compare the Thai horror movies with this, should be a huge disservice to the Thai Comedy Horror genre. Why are we even reviewing this? To be fair, we do not want to review only good movies. We need to enlighten movie fans with which movie they should AVOID. Download here if you do not have thumbs and your walls are freshly painted. 

I would love to give ciggy ratings to this movie but unfortunately I do not have images of ZERO ciggies.

The Victim (2006)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

We thoroughly enjoyed this movie. In fact it's one of the most scariest Thai horror movies we can ever recommend. This is one of those movies where the end credits are even more interesting than the entire movie, not to say that the movie is shite, it is, as we mentioned, one of the best. The movie starts off with May, a happy-go-lucky, struggling, acting student, trying to make ends meet by appearing as extras in game shows, movies and such. Not long she got noticed by the local detective who pays her to reenact murder scenes committed by real life murders. All is good as  she finally gains recognition as the victim of the murder scenes.

But her big break came when she was proposed to reenact a murder scene of a former Miss Thailand. As expected, she started seeing visions and apparitions connected to the murder. Now, the movie throws a curve ball and the whole story line turns 360 degrees. There are 2 major twist in the movie. We will not risk revealing much, but most viewers will feel turned off by the sudden change in direction of the movie. But nevertheless, we feel that the twist will not affect the scares and the tense atmosphere of the movie too much.

Why we agreed that this movie is one of the best Thai horror because of the clever use of silence and atmospheric tension. The worse is when they started introducing traditional Thai chimes and jingles used in traditional thai dances during some of the more intense scenes. It really adds to the whole feel of an extremely well-thought horror movie. One of the scenes that really send chills down our spine, (and we are 2 really hardcore horror fans who don't jump easily) is the editing room scene and the incoming dancing apparition. Well, we can reveal this to you and you will still feel it when watching it, yes, we are that confident the movie is scary. We were freaking the hell out when the chimes started resonating in the entire cinema. It really feels as though the sound is coming beside you.

Viewers best stayed on till the end of the credits, where the actual movie production team manages to capture footages of apparitions in various locations of the shoot. Fake or not, we couldn't tell, but we rather not discuss about it as not to spoil the illusion. As mentioned earlier, the best part of the movie is the credits. Let it roll with the speakers on loud. We guaran-damn-tee you will be freaked out. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2010)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

The 93 minutes remake of the 1988 Halloween feature has the perfect solution for your boring Saturday night with the missus... Horror, comedy and an overweight Edward Furlong, dropping F-bombs like the Al Qaeda. Shannon Elizabeth is super duper fine and not forgetting the scene of the luckiest wine bottle in the world. Also that forgettable chick from the Freddy Vs Jason, Monica Keena. So, the cast members are a lot of fun to watch and the plot is as follows; it's Halloween night, and a Haunted House Goth party hosted by Ms Angela (Shannon) rage on till the cops coming knocking. Angela and a couple of her guests hide in to avoid the raid but the cops ain’t the only problem, because the party is at a house full of demons who want to be set free. There are side plots but who gives a fuck.

We’ve got to say the wicked make up effect sure brought new meaning to the word ‘Ugly’. And about the demons, origin story-wise, We found it awesome. Demons so cruel and evil that Hell itself cast them out. Taking time to think about it, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a wasted opportunity. The demons possess human bodies, thus should have the ability of speech, so it would have been fucking fantastic to delve a little bit into the psychology of these beasts, get their point-of-view on the world or Lucifer, even. It also would have been nice to have a scene where a demon tortures one of the survivors, to get a sense of how cruel and evil incarnate they really are. As it is, they just possess the guests and try to fuck. Nevertheless, the soundtrack rocked ass and surprisingly; No Rob Zombie number. 

Finally, if you have been looking for a jolly good time, pick this up and don’t be a fucking critic; let us do that. Fuck.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here.

3 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Grudge 3 (2008)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

It’s not very easy to follow up on a remake with two sequels but the Grudge 3 might be the exception. It looks easy enough, just follow the curse where ever it goes and be sure to have a lot of creepy music and let Kayako and Toshio do their job. This hopeful sequel went straight to DVD and this very forgettable flick was given to Toby Wilkins’s good hands while franchise creator; Takashi Shimizu stood at the side lines as executive producer. 

The sequel picks up after the curse migrates to America when the foreign exchange student chick got whacked by Kayako in her apartment and her nosy neighbor, Jake (Matthew Knight) watched her disappear in her jacket. Now, Jake is institutionalized under the care of Jigsaw’s former apprentice, Shawnee Smith as Dr. Sullivan and curse is inflicted in the apartment with everyone walking in taking home a surprise visit by Kayako and Toshio. 

The characters are defined with a good sense that we the audience would hate to see them bite the dust. Take the siblings Andy, Lisa and Rose; orphans with the last chance together with little Rose having asthma and her slutty elder sister trying to run off, it’s up to Bother dearly to keep it all together. That already sets up a tear jerking drama, now mix that with the evil Kayako and Toshio in the block and there you have it. Something else got us stirred up, do ghosts get older? Toshio was like 8 in last movie and now he’s 13 and wears shorts. Does he need a haircut too? This movie should rest peacefully in the big box of one hit wonders until we need to refresh our memories.

So till our next words, light one for us. Download here

2 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

Cold Fish (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man A

I've always had fascination with serial killer movies. The trill of detective giving chase, solving clues and eventually leading to the final showdown. It all started with Seven, the thriller starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt. Ever since then I've tried scourging through the net for serial killer movies, good or bad. In my opinion, America and Korea produce the best serial killer movies, stuff of legends such as the aforementioned Seven, From Hell, Zodiac and gritty stuff from Korea, Memories of Murder, Chaser or I Saw the Devil. Though most of them are not based on true events, its polished and entertaining enough to keep you at the edge of your seats.

So when I heard that they are doing a movie based on Gen Sekine and wife, two of Japan's most prolific killers, I was frantically searching for it, also because its directed by Shion Sono, the director who did suicide Circle and Strange Circus. Gen Sekine first came into my attention when I was reading Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein, a fuckin fantastic book by this jewish guy who works as a journalist covering homicide and yakuza activity in Japan. Do get the book asap. Gen Sekine was a dog breeder and a damn fine one at that. He sells the breeds for an exorbitant sum of money and had ties with the yakuza. He also managed to introduce the Alaskan Malamute to Japan which still maintains at the top 19 as one of the best canine breeds. But sadly, behind his dedication to his profession lies a much dangerous individual that's hellbent on eliminating anyone who stands against him.

The movie is loosely based Gen Sekine but he's not the main focus, its the accomplice. Why it is the way it is, I do not know, but somehow everything sorta feels right with the accomplice as the main character. Instead of rearing and breeding dogs, its fishes instead. The director was going against using dogs, as most japanese will spent time cooing over images of dogs, what with their intense fascination with all things cute and cuddly. So now its fishes, plus they can still apply the concept of breeding and high prices with a different subject. The story starts with the introduction of meek and gentle Shamoto, who also breeds and sells fishes but on a very small scale. Somehow he's unhappy with his life because his daughter couldn't accept him remarrying a younger wife after the first wife died. We see Shamoto as a depressed individual who gave up on trying to make things right with his family. His daughter ignores him, his own wife ain't giving him pussy. Its really not that difficult to understand why he is the way he is. Then later we are introduced to Murata, who somehow helps them with their current predicament by enlisting Shamoto's daughter to work in his larger and more impressive fish chain store. In due time, Shamoto is progressively included in Murata's affairs, as a business partner, then a conspirator and finally a murder accomplice. Denden's portrayal as Murata is frighteningly real, like an individual suffering from bipolar disorder, he can be excruciatingly jovial and aggressive the next. One can never expect what this individual will do next and thats extremely frightening. 

There are gore/sex scenes here and there but you never felt that its a gory movie as the main intention here is a play on human emotions, how one struggles from family issues and about suppressed emotional pain. The only gripe I have with this movie is that it runs 2 1/2 hours. This is one of the reasons why I stop watching japanese movies. The pacing is just too damn slow. On several parts they could've speed up the storyline. I won't disclose what happens at the end, its just different and not expected at all. But what I can say is that the ending is very satisfying. Watch it for the superb acting and storyline eventhough it stretches 2 1/2 hours. You won't be disappointed. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES

The Devil’s Rock (2011)

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Reviewed by Cigarette Smoking Man B

Back in WWII, Hitler’s efforts to create the super soldier with the influences of the occult are infamous but details about those experiments are not actually captured, so says the Germans. It didn’t stop from movie makers to get creative over this premise and they did give us Hellboy and The Outpost. The latest creative input comes from New Zealand. The Devil’s Rock directed by Paul Campion is our focus of the day.

The day before D-Day, A squadron of allied soldiers is dropped off on a remote island to check out what the Nazis are up to. Upon infiltrating the base, they find all of them dead except for Colonel Klaus Meyer (Matthew Sunderland) whom captures allied Captain Ben Grogan (Craig Hall) and keeps him unconscious. Captain Ben wakes up hours later, now with his squadron dead and Colonel Klaus asking him to trust him to kill what the Nazi’s sinister plan conjured up; A Demon from hell.

The tense situation played by both the lead actors defiantly sets the mood of the flick, the sense of trust be lingers them but things gets juicy once we’re introduced to the wild card player; The Demon (Gina Varela), sexy and manipulative, she tries to seduce the good Captain by shape shifting to the image of his beloved dead wife. Thumbs up for elastic demonic suits with nipples. A little psychological battle between all three characters defiantly put us in our seat and the ending was something unpredictable in the case of a normal heroic morale stand but sure is effective. It has been a while since something good as this has come out in a horror movie that doesn’t depend on the gore factor but keeps the story more locked in to give horror addicts glued for what’s coming up next. We have to say that by far, The Devil’s Rock might be one of the best horror movies out of the USA this summer. Good for you New Zealanders.

So till my next words, light one for us. Download here

4 OUT OF 5 CIGGIES