Reviewed by the Cigarette Smoking Man A
Usually its against our ethics to review any movies that we didn't manage to finish watching. But I will make an exception for this. We recently see a surge in horror movies produced in Malaysia month after month, but is it any good? Will we be able to surpass the powerhouse horror churners that is Thailand, Korea and Japan? I can only say that it would be the next 40 years before we can even come close to what Thailand achieve with Shutter or how Japan gain international recognition with The Ring/Ju-on. Before this movie we have Seru, Karak, Penunggu Istana and many others that followed. It seems we are trying to re-create the horror season that had profited the movie industry in Thailand or Japan. Even with director James Lee, whose well-known in the circle as one of the most prominent figures in the Malaysian movie industry, failed to deliver a tight, well-crafted horror comedy. Yes, blame it on the lack of budget, lack of talent, but the fact of the matter is, the movie sucks ass.
Alot of horror movies that came out of Malaysia are malay horror movies. Any blockbuster movies that is produced in Malaysia needs to have a malay actor or actress as the lead. And the movie needs to have at LEAST 60% malay actors/actresses that speaks malay, THE national language. Otherwise, any movie producers can forget about funding from FINAS. Chinese or Indian movies you say? Forget that shit. Any movie that don't use malay as the main language count as an INTERNATIONAL film, because if you don't, then fund your goddam movie yourself! How can Malaysia still can be so fuckin backwards? I thought we are way past the race thing? Till now I still do not understand the logic.
So we have Tolong, Awek aku pontianak (Help, my girlfriend is a vampire). The story follows a feeble Junior Creative Director, Bob, working 9-5 in a design agency. He's a complete doormat and is frequently terrorize by his bosses. So we have Bob, a complete loser and Pian, his other loser parasitic friend who lives off him in the same apartment. Short of being an even bigger loser, his girlfriend dumps him because she expected more of him. Serves that retard right for being such a fuckin' loser, hahahaha! Not long, Bob and Pian figures its best to shift in a smaller house with lower rent to cut cost of living. Oh surprise! It happens that his neighbors are 2 women vampires! Somehow Bob manage to score a date with vampire girl no.1 (so fuckin' forgettable, couldn't recall the damn name) played by Sazzy Falak whose acting is so excruciatingly bad, twiddling your thumbs while watching paint dry seems like a better alternative in a balmy afternoon. After the date, some Mat Rempit (juvenile delinquents driving motorcycles, total fucktards, if you happen to be living in Malaysia) snatched vampire girl's handbag. Then she transformed ...... we are introduced to Malaysia's rendition of a langsuir/pontianak (a vampire) if you count several brushstrokes of dark mascara on the face with fake teeth. The makeup is so amateurish, I'm guessing they hired several fresh graduates from some dilapidated make-up school in Jinjang (If you live in Jinjang, time to move yo' ass) for the movie. Then the flying begins, with the wire-fu technique utilized in Hong Kong martial arts movies, BACK IN THE FUCKIN' 80'S! That is when I turn the movie off. Or you can choose to put a bullet between your eyes to end yourself.
The movie is so poorly written, so badly produced it doesn't even fit into any horror genre. The Thais do horror comedy seamlessly, like Phobia 2 or even Haunted Universities. To even compare the Thai horror movies with this, should be a huge disservice to the Thai Comedy Horror genre. Why are we even reviewing this? To be fair, we do not want to review only good movies. We need to enlighten movie fans with which movie they should AVOID. Download here if you do not have thumbs and your walls are freshly painted.
I would love to give ciggy ratings to this movie but unfortunately I do not have images of ZERO ciggies.
